


To all the love that's trapped inside

by reveries_terriennes



Category: Original Work
Genre: Blue Eyes, Daydreaming, Death, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Poetry, Prose Poem, Romance, Sadness, Self-Reflection, maladaptive daydreaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 00:03:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16607987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reveries_terriennes/pseuds/reveries_terriennes
Summary: This is a prose poem about my experience with maladaptive daydreaming."I close my eyes and I see yoursA blue so intense I want to drownI shut down and I hear your voiceToday it’s deep, and soft, and I want it to lull me to sleepI picture your hands above mine, keeping me steady inside my own worldI’d like to say I love you, but even I know that’s not trueLove doesn’t smell as fake and unreal as anything I made you to be"





	To all the love that's trapped inside

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first ever work on AO3, and I think this might be the first original thing I've ever voluntarily written (I've only ever done like 2 ficlets on tumblr before), and putting it out there is quite scary, particularly considering the subject I chose.  
> This is about maladaptive daydreaming, and more precisely about having feelings for someone that's not real.  
> I have been feeling very, very low recently, and I ended up retreating a lot inside my own head. Every time I have to go back to the real world, I feel awful, and have this lingering feeling of longing and sadness, like a bad aftertaste.  
> I wanted to share that. I hope this can move at least one person.  
> P.S.:English isn't my first language, so any feedback would really be appreciated. Thank you for reading!  
> tumblr : [reveries-terriennes](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/reveries-terriennes)
> 
> * * *
> 
>   
> 

# To all the love that’s trapped inside (Your blue eyes make me imagine what being warm may feel like)

I close my eyes and I see yours  
A blue so intense I want to drown  
I shut down and I hear your voice  
Today it’s deep, and soft, and I want it to lull me to sleep  
I picture your hands above mine, keeping me steady inside my own world  
I’d like to say I love you, but even I know that’s not true  
Love doesn’t smell as fake and unreal as anything I made you to be

You’re just a figment of my imagination  
A reminder of what I can never really have  
This kind of connection, it’s scary when it’s real  
And I’m not the bravest girl there is

How can I see you so clearly, hear you so clearly, feel you so clearly,  
When you can never be here before me.  
The lie is so well-made I almost fool myself every time, but never enough that I would stop feeling so empty.  
Every time I have to bring myself back the contrast is so stark I feel sick. Sick of myself and sick of you, but what are you beyond a part of me.

I know deep down I’m not capable of loving like that  
That’s why I keep you inside  
All mine and all fake  
I know deep down I’m not capable of such abandonment and trust  
I’ve been feeling so cold for such a long time  
I’m beginning to fear my heart is irremediably frozen now.  
It’s only been crumbling away, I can never warm it back now  
So I anxiously clutch to you, hoping I can feel your pretend-warmth, if I imagine it loud enough  
But I can only imagine what warmth feels like, and that is not enough to stop my teeth from chattering

I’ve stopped moving these days, I just lay there, somehow I still exist, hoping for something to save me  
I know no one is coming  
I can see myself shivering so much, and I’m sad for that poor girl that’s freezing to death  
But I can’t bring myself to get up and get her a blanket

Instead, I close my eyes to search your blue eyes  
Does it make sense they can look so much like fire?  
I’m sure my brown eyes look like ice, yet that sparkle I made up must come from somewhere trapped inside.  
Where is it, that part of me that does such a good job painting fake you, when I need it to save real me?  
I wish I could close my eyes and finally drown and be burned alive at the same time in yours.  
I wish it’d be you, putting me to rest.

I don’t love you cause I don’t love anything. I love the idea of you loving me when no one ever has.  
Can someone even be capable of love, when they have no experience of it whatsoever?  
I don’t love you cause you’re not here, you’re just an echo of something deeper I can’t quite grasp.  
I don’t love you cause maybe if I did that would mean I’d be too far gone to even care to stay here.  
I don’t love you cause you can never be real, and your warmth makes me feel cold.

I’ll never get to hear your voice, whispering sweet nothings, the warmth of your breath near my ear.  
I’ll never be able to touch your hand, kiss your palms.  
I’ll never be able to see you smile, these blue eyes don’t exist when I open mine.


End file.
